Match.BOMB!!!!

I had the misfortune of being seated next to a match.com date. The young lady on the date was beautiful and elegant. She was a Parisian babe with shy mannerisms and aggressive sex appeal. She was escorted by her photo shopped date who was clearly not ONLY a disappointment to her but to all of humanity. Clearly, he was out of his league with this French fox darned in white jeans (which is a daring feat for any woman to pull off). I was having dinner with a friend of mine that night and she was running late, so naturally I became deeply involved in this couple's date. I over heard they met on match.com. He was VERY excited with the match but she seemed VERY confused! My friend eventually arrived. We ordered dinner and we caught up. My attention was diverted from the date during dinner. After dinner my friend excused herself to go to the rest room. Once again i tuned in. I became refocused on this awkward date. The man probably in his early 30's looked like he was still a virgin. After consuming a 1/2 glass of chardonnay, he was confident enough to summons up his alter ego, who was apparently Sid Vicious. He started bragging about his experience with drugs. He started interrogating 'Snow White' on her drug resume. She confessed she never tried drugs. He suddenly got a surge of confidence, passed judgement on the girl for never experimenting with heroin and continued to press on with his line of bullshit!! I have been around the block, and can spot a nerd conjuring up stories he probably googled or saw on intervention. Shortly after, my friend returned from the bathroom and we decided to skip desert and just get the check. In the interim his date excuses herself to the bathroom. It took us about a half an hour to get our check. His date was STILL in the bathroom. Eventually we paid the check, got up to go and as we were leaving, I bent down and whispered in his ear, "she's been in the bathroom a long time. You better go check on her, she could be shooting up."

A GOOD FRIEND IS SOMEONE YOU CAN PANIC WITH!

I'm a little bit of a crisis addict ever since the clock struck 40....THREE years ago! Now I'm completely PANICKING! Still don't know IF I want to have a kid. I think I do....but then I have nightmares that I left my baby in a drawer for DAYS completely unattended! OR I'll have very confusing dreams that my infant magically transforms into a puppy and lastly into a cat. I'm guessing because cats are the least dependant and easiest to manage for me. I've always been wary of having children for many reasons that are extremely plausible to me and my mother. Recently, I've been ambivalent because it's ALL about CHOICE and CHANGE and i feel as if my CHOICE will become defunct and CHANGE (having a baby at this point in my life) may cause suicide. Not only my suicide, but my husbands and a few others that shall remain anonymous. Anyway, I can easily think of reasons not to have children and ALWAYS struggle with logical reasons TO have children. Here are 10 reasons i feel are legit reasons to reconsider this baby craving.

1. There is a genetic component to insanity
2. My mother's legs look like a road map...DON'T wand varicose veins
3. I'm self loathing enough ....DON'T NEED CLONES!!!
4. Don't want to wear my daughters hand me downs ( assuming I have a daughter)
5. Don't want to be facebook friends with my kids
6. Don't want to be older than the principal
7. If I end up hating my husband...don't want a constant reminder of him (supposing it's a boy)
8. Don't want to become addicted to breast feeding as a form of losing weight
9. How does postpartum and menopause mix?
10. I've been second my whole life and I'm not sure I'm ready to be third...or LAST for that matter!!!

Autism speaks...PMS SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!

Not in the mood at ALL today! Let me just start by saying that I HATE EVERYONE TODAY!!!!! Our house has been under construction for the past 4 months which feels more like a F-IN YEAR!!!! And although Andre (our Russian live-in construction dude) is lovely, I'm loosing it!!! My husband is "WILD HOGGING" it in "FLAHRIDAH" with his "mid-aged" buddies, and I'm stuck at home with a Russian and 7 Mexican guys. Granted, I feel like Snow White because they all come up to my vagina; but I'm a little tired of Russian talk radio and Mexican music. In addition, our next door neighbors just rented their basement out to a Russian guy who has no boundaries!!! He's already parking right in front of our house and has blocked our mailbox in. I'm ready to ring his doorbell with Andre (also my translator), and tell him to finger himself!!!!! I remember I parked in front of my neighbors house ONCE for 10 min and her half dead husband was aggressively ringing our doorbell and demanding we relocate. I don't want to start an ALL OUT war over a parking space. After all, I really do like them. However, on days like this not even a cute puppy is safe. Only kidding PITA!! I should be so lucky that my blog pisses them off and becomes the talk of the town! Aside of ALL that, I just saw a movie on LMN (need to stop watching that channel). It really makes you paranoid! Husbands cheating with best friends and babysitter. Or just pain poisoning their spouses. Anyway, today I saw "LOVE LETTERS" (very clever title). Patty Duke (always Patty Hearst to me), plays a 50 year old that "accidentally" gets pregnant by her ever older husband. And they 'struggle' at first, but soon come to realize that it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to them! At 43 I found this to be very 'hopeful', just in case...then I noticed that the guy playing their 30 year old son, was a really good friend of mine, Max Martini. We used to bartend together and now he's a successful actor. So I felt 'hopeful' about possibly having a child at 50 and deflated about the fact that Max has moved on to be a successful actor. Especially, because I just picked up a bar shift. After ALL that I go to the gym on Staten Island. Which is like walking into a 'straight' gay bar. And after SUFFERING through a work out, because I'm desperately trying to maintain a youthful body. I drive home only to be stopped two feet away from my driveway. Apparently, there was a loose wire and Verizon was blocking off the entire street to put up the line. The cars are piling up behind me. I'm pissed! And I can see the Verizon guy doesn't give ONE SHIT that we are all annoyed! He is passive aggressive because he HATES his job more than he HATES his wife, and that's A LOT OF HATE!!! Now I'm vein popping mad and I decide to abandon my car up the block and walk home. I walk to my house only to see the Russian is parked in front of our driveway again!!!!!! Now I'm fuming! I squeeze in between his car and our mailbox to grab the mail and walk into the house only to be further annoyed with Andre who has boobie trapped the house even more than before. Walking in the house is like tip-toeing in a mine field. Anyway, I'm playing limbo with tape that's blocking off rooms, cement drying, wires hanging, and wet paint. I haven't seen Zimba (our cat), for days! I check to see if her food is dwindling so I'm assuming she's still alive and hiding in the wreckage. Unless, of course the Mexicans are eating it. Anyway, I finally walk into our bedroom (my safe place), to place the mail on the bed and I notice that my husband has a check from google ADsense. I'm the one who inspired his blog! And it all started from my best friend who insisted I start a blog. Anyway, long story short he's already make more money that me, AGAIN!!! Further more, I can't yell about it to him because he's reliving his youth on his motorcycle run or as I refer to it as a "crisis-run!" In any event I realize that the anger I'm feeling is PMS. And I think to myself, look on the bright side...at least you're still getting it!!!!

Sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you ARE!!!!

"Normal," the literal definition is: conforming with or constituting an accepted standard, model or pattern; especially, corresponding to the median or average of a large group in type, appearance, achievement, FUNCTION, DEVELOPMENT, etc.; natural; standard; regular. As time progresses, so does our knowledge of "abnormal," which is incidentally the "new normal." She's "kooky." He's OVERLY cautious. She's highly psychic. She's a conspiracy theorist. He's a genius. She's eccentric. He's flamboyant. He's VERY opinionated. He's SO charismatic. She's EXTRA organized. He's anal. She's VERY blunt. He doesn't have a 'filter.' She doesn't have boundaries. He's moody. She's an airhead. He's controlling. He has a temper. She's NEEDY. He's down in the dumps AGAIN! He's self absorbed. He's anti social. She's a loner. He's unemotional. She's TOO emotional. She's hyper. She's a vegetable. She gets panic attacks, etc.

Back in the day we considered these among many others qualities, interesting character traits, or idiosyncrasies of certain individuals. A "uniqueness" all their own. Clearly, this "uniqueness" has become pandemic! Therefore, we had to explore the nature of this behavior, and although all the descriptions above remain the same...the titles are different. In fact, if translated today they would sound something like this: She's histrionic. He's paranoid. She's schizophrenic. He's a paranoid schizophrenic. He has multiple personality disorder. He's OCD. She has turrets. She's bipolar. She has A.D.D. He's psychotic. She's a depressive. He's a sociopath. He's a manic depressive. She's manic. He has A.D.H.D., etc. I like to postulate...Are we ALL mentally disturbed to some degree? Or are we incredibly interesting? Is the cup half empty? Or is it half full? The more we come up with a label and a solution, the more we accept our fate...WE ARE ALL NUTS!!!!!

PORN damns my beaver!

I can't think of anything that dries up every orifice in my body quicker than porn! Two naked, superficial, sweaty, self loathing people trying to 'sell sex.' I don't need an implanted woman and a self absorbed closeted "bundle of sticks" to get me in the mood. What ever happened to subtlety? That's what makes this lioness roar. LOOK we're fuc#ing! I said LOOK! Now I'm taking it from behind. Now I'm sucking his 'hairy nose.' Now I'm faking an orgasm. Damn I'm good! Hope it was good for you too! I'd rather suffer thru a Jackie Collin's novel or watch Wild Kingdom on Nat Geo. That would motivate my 'beaver' to get to work more than the incentive of two people who most likely HATE SEX because it's a JOB!!!

What doesn't kill you...only makes you MORE JADED!!!!!

Astoria Kaufman Studios scouted the next 'child star' when I attended P.S. 166. They came to my 6th grade class scrutinized each of us with their "expert eyes" and upon examining every child....CHOSE my best friend.
It didn't kill me....

When I was fatally in love with Spiro, (Greek boy from the hood) he was conflicted with the tormenting job of choosing between me and my best friend Josephine, and he chose HER.
It didn't kill me...

When I desperately wanted to excel and took an exam to attend Stuyvesant Jr High, (a school for gifted children), despite shoving a Palm Sunday crucifix down my shirt as a good luck charm, I FAILED.
It didn't kill me...

When my boyfriend who I thought would be my future husband, cheated on me with a girl I thought I had a better chance with...
It didn't kill me...

When ALL my friends in comedy have superseded me with their soaring careers...
It didn't kill me....

It DIDN'T however, make me stronger either.
It DID however make me bitter and cynical.

So, in my opinion. What doesn't kill you, DOESN'T make you stronger.
What doesn't kill you ONLY makes you MORE JADED!!!

SPINSTER: The new Independant Woman!

Yes! It's hard to believe that just 20 years ago, me and so many of my "gal pals" would be considered "old maids." The daughters of many worried parents who secretly wished their daughters were lesbians rather than the alternative. The girls that were last to be picked on a team. Or even worse, the girls that were benched during a game. At least being "gay" meant they were "happy" and had an excuse for not wedding "Prince Charming," and bearing his litter of heirs. Well, thank God for the great equalizer! Woman's equality ( and we have a long road to go) comes with a price. And I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. Women are no longer expected to get married and have children. They can date endlessly until their vagina's fall off and freeze their eggs (among numerous other procedures), to put the bun in the oven 'on hold.' That doesn't mean the bun is 86'ed, it's just a ball of dough in the fridge waiting to be baked.

Yes! Today's spinster has that kind of pull. Today's spinster is hotter than yesterday's cheerleader. Today's spinster doesn't need to get married, because she doesn't need a husband. She doesn't feel incomplete without children, because she remembers how miserable her parents were! AND if we're going to learn from our parents mistakes...getting married and having children should TOP the list!!! Instead of repeating history, today's spinster CHANGES history. Today's spinster is busy, busy, busy! She is hot, and soaring upwards! So chin up Mom's and Dad's! Don't worry about your daughters! If they're not hibernating with a bear, they're violently stroking their cats at night. But either way, they're HAPPY!!!