Sunday, February 28, 2010

Looking Good! FEELING GOOD!!!!!!

I was a fitness instructor at Lucille Roberts for the past 20 years. I am also a personal trainer and I work primarily with women and obese men who find the gym daunting. I know what a 'challenge' weight can pose. I also fight genetics every step of the way. (Don't let the cartoon profile fool you)! I come from a hefty gene pool of Greeks who LOVE to eat! Anyhoo, i hate to brag but i can literally gain 10 lbs in a week! M0st of my teenage life i was obsessed about weight. I grew up in the 80's with 'role models' like Farrah Fawcett, (God rest her soul), Suzanne Summers, Christie Brinkley, etc. Basically blonde skeletons with breasts who catapulted me into the throes of anorexia and bulimia. I was a very awkward looking teenager. Exotic before 'exotic' was a compliment....basically i looked like a foreigner from a distant land known as 'unf@@@able!' And yes, this made me feel inadequate and inferior! Determined to change my genetic path i chose a career in fitness. I've seen the transformation exercise can manifest on our bodies! Further more and more importantly I've seen the miracle exercise can perform on our minds!!!!

Most women are prone to depression due to hormonal imbalances. I've worked with many women who were severely depressed and were given an ultimatum by their Dr's. Its either medication to combat this funk OR exercise! I've seen the most amazing changes in my clients emotional state after they started exercising regularly. It is a fact that serotonin uplifts our moods. Better circulation (which is critical for mood enhancement), better flexibility (which prevents blockage in the body), and better body image which gives us confidence. I have worked with women who have reduced their meds significantly and other clients who have weaned themselves off their meds completely. C'mon ladies! Let's put those pharmaceutical companies out of business! Sadness is a natural don't need Prozac to 'repress' it. Erase it with jumpin' jacks instead. Want to quit smoking? Screw wellbutrin! What better way to combat the weight gain accompanied with quitting smoking, than getting on a treadmill? Granted some people need to be on medication...I am a firm believer that most of us DON'T!!!

We've become a 'Valley Of The Dolls' society and have shamelessly been 'stepfordized' to the truth! We're LAZY and looking for a quick 'fix.' Yes we are junkies and the pharmaceutical companies are LEGAL PUSHERS!!! We need to take back control of our choices, bodies and MINDS!!! Exercising regularly 3-5 times a week can prevent the blues, mood swings and cravings! Ask yourself this: "if ALL these pills are suppose to make us happy or make us quit something...why do they ALWAYS end with: 'May cause suicide' as a possible side effect? Don't you want to be around to enjoy your 'new life?' SAY 'NO' TO DRUGS!!!!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Curling. Really?

By now ALL of us know what 'Curling' is. Before the Olympics I can safely say that 'most' of us were clueless to this sport. I'm Greek and as a 'Greek' there is a certain level of pride that i take in the Olympics. Many professional athletes struggle their entire lives to achieve the honor of being in the Olympics. They run 24hrs a day, povolt 24hrs a day, swim 24hrs a day, ski 24hrs a day, snowboard 24 hrs a day...etc. I think you get the point. Astonishingly enough i NEVER thought drinking 24hrs a day could also get you into the Olympics! Even the name 'Curling' has 'drinkin' innuendo. I imagine it was conceived in such a manner: "Hey! i got it! (as he's curling a pint to his lips...) we'll call it 'curling!' "That's brilliant lad! You're a fargin' genius!" These athletes look like they never got off a bar stool and somehow after a 'drunken' moment of genius and 'wet brain' storming figured out how to make their mastery of shuffle board ( a bar room game) into an Olympic sport. And by the Gods...THEY DID! As a Greek i'm ashamed. As an underachiever I'm inspired! THANK YOU CURLING! there is hope for me after all!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Botox: Tears Of A Clown?

When i first saw a wrinkle on my forehead i rushed to a dermatologist/ plastic surgeon and BEGGED for a dermabrasion. He looked at me like i was prehistoric for being so dated and uninformed. As far as i knew dermabrasion was a great way to decrease wrinkles and soften lines, but still he gave me a look that suggested i was looking for a miracle. Immediately the good doctor suffered a schizophrenic episode where both areas of expertise within him became split personalities and seemed to disagree on the proper procedure that should be administered. I could tell that Dr Jekyll (the dermatologist part of him) thought dermabrasion was sensible, affordable and less harmful. However, the ever so persistent Mr Hyde (the plastic surgeon part of him) thought it unwise! A waste of money and time! In fact, he was quite adamant about his refusal to give me a dermabrasion. I knew at that moment the outcome of the two personalities...Dr Jekyll would perish and in full control remained the ever so opinionated and pushy Mr Hyde. He was determined to show Dr Jekyll (the pussy dermatologist) who 'the real' doctor was. And he looked at me sternly and said "BOTOX!" "You want to get rid of those wrinkles?" "BOTOX!"

Immediately i wanted to run out! Instead i just sat there in utter paralysis and mindlessly agreed it was a fine choice! In fact, why stop there? Cut the whole f@#king head off ( a sure way to discard of wrinkles) and give me a boob job to replace my head. Problem solved! And I'll sign the permission slip so we can hurry things along. He proceeded to explain to me that these deep creases and grooves (which i don't have! I don't have f'in grooves)! Were due to years of expression...and can ONLY be eliminated with "BOTOX!" It was just the beginning of the botox craze. So i didn't know much about it except Nicole Kidman was obviously quite fond of it, (seeing how she had frozen her forehead into another lifetime) and Joan Rivers, despite a drooping eyelid mishap...was still a firm believer in botox. I'm a hypochondriac so immediately i started to panic and become clammy! Because I'm an even BIGGER pussy than I am a hypochondriac. So i knew no matter what the ramifications of botox were...i would certainly go through with it! My Dr. looked like he'd been 'juicing' his face for years! He was a junky and a pusher. Always jabbing himself with needles to the face. He even asked me if i thought he could use a little more. I told him he could make a dead guy jealous! He took it as a compliment.....we moved on.

After assuring me that it was safer than vitamin C. He walked out of the office and his nurse came in on cue holding a brochure which she handed to me. I read it thoroughly, giving myself palpitations and panic attacks. Could cause blindness...blah, blah, blah,....possible loss of facial muscles permanently, blah, blah, blah and what the heck! while we're being 'honest,' DEATH!!!! Well color me pink! I'm either really afraid to say 'NO' or I'm the vainest bitch on the planet. And for my sake i really hoped i was the vainest bitch on the planet! Anyhoo, after being literally scared shit less and i do believe i soiled myself just a little that day. I signed the dotted line which pretty much summed up that they were not responsible for any and ALL of the things that could go wrong, BUT the dummy who read this doesn't think we should be either! AND still wants to go through with it. My hands were trembling! I managed to shakily sign my name on the dotted line and prayed that i didn't end up looking like i had a partial stroke for the rest of my life because i couldn't get over an 'expression' wrinkle on my forehead. Part of me was cruel and had no pity for my stupidity and thought i deserved to look like i had Bell's palsy! The nurse then collected my form and numbed my forehead. The doctor walked in and looked like 'pure evil 'to me. But i willingly jutted out my head begging to be jabbed. I'll never forget the first needle...i was thinking, nothing an eye patch can't fix. So long as the other half looks 20!

After he was done he handed me an ice bag and a set of 'rules.' No exercising, no bending over and NO SHOE SHOPPING! I took it to the furthest extreme...NO BREATHING!!! i was not only going to look 'dead' in a week, i had to 'play dead' for the next few hours so i wouldn't end up looking like my face was partially paralyzed. No moving, no eating, no looking both ways when I'm crossing the street... NOTHING! I remember being at the mercy of NYC cab drivers. A very 'unsafe' place to be. I prayed to God that if i didn't look like a monster when all is said and done...i would NEVER get another cosmetic procedure again as long as i shall live! I heard God yawning because he heard this song and dance when i got my lips done and looked like Mick Jagger for a week.

A week later....i looked like i had a face lift! Raised eyebrows and high cheek bones...and not a wrinkle in sight! I looked airbrushed. I could now finally understand why Nicole Kidman couldn't quit even when she was pregnant. Although, her doctor begged her to stop because they still didn't know the effect it could have on her unborn baby. I thought, when it's born, if it looks like a still born but after you slap it you still hear a's fine! Now I'm more or less addicted to my doctor and the procedure. Despite of the novel sized release forms with even more severe possible side effects. I continue to put the gun to my head, spin the barrel and pull the trigger. And EVERY TIME I make an 'empty' promise to God, I'm back 6 months later to visit the 'undertaker' to get 'embalmed.' Now botox has become SO popular they even have commercials for it. And the hook of the commercial is: 'freedom of expression.' More like: 'freedom FROM expression!' I think 'feeling' is overrated. At least now, I look as numb as i feel. I'm not living a lie. And I'm true to myself! THANK YOU MR HYDE!!!

"I Was Just Going To Call You!" True Or False?

How many times have we heard: "I was just going to call you!" Really? Well then, why didn't you? Why am i ALWAYS calling you? "I was just reaching for the phone...and YOU called ME!" "It's like I'm psychic or something!" I'm not saying being in sync doesn't exist on occasion. I'm just exposing the person who ALWAYS claims they were going to call you, just as you call them. And then they have the 'balls of fire' to claim they're 'psychic.' And somehow i always seem to call that person first. And why should they call me first? They're in tune with the universe and could 'feel' the call. Therefore, they sit back and wait for me to call. It may be one sided, but apparently, we are SO connected that only one of us has to do all the work. And because my third eye is blind...I'll ALWAYS deliver the call and 'you' with your great insight will ALWAYS see it coming! I'm so lucky to have YOU as my friend!!

texting....the master of disguise!

it's astonishing to me how dependent i have become on texting! I'm someone who a decade ago was so befuddled by technology, i couldn't even turn on my own vibrator. Let alone a computer! Fear of technology left me vulnerable, exposed and judged! In fact, I was vehemently opposed to texting. I found it impersonal, evasive, rude and anti-social. I was a victim of intimacy, voice and inflections. Recently i lost my texting capabilities (thank you blackberry storm...good name, because its CHAOS)! Anyhoo, i couldn't receive or send any text messages and i nearly LOST MY MIND!!! I realized what a blessing texting really is! It is the ubiquitous 'master of disguise' i could be texting someone "I FEEL GRRRRRRRREAT!" followed by a series of !!!!!!!!!!! and XOXOXOXO's and simultaneously be thinking...where the F@#CK is my gun?!!!!! WHERE IS IT????!!!!! i KNOW its loaded and around here somewhere! See? NO vulnerability, exposure OR judgement! Just a very enthusiastic, high energy, loving, positive, STABLE person. I LOVE TEXTING!!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Skinny Jeans...the BIG LIE!

Still clinging on and deluding people. The 'skinny jean' continues to LIE! Everywhere i look people are shamelessly squeezed into their size 2 skinny jeans....knowing deep down inside, they are really a size 8. And what better way to accessorize the 'skinny jean' other than a pair of UGGS (gag reflex to the aesthetic of the boot and Australian abbreviation for the world UGLY) AND a Russian hat! After all, 'cankles' and a 'fat head' really make your thighs look anorexic! Hats off to the skinny jean! Denial is SO much better than the real thing! I've almost reached my skinny jean goal...size ZERO! I've ALWAYS aspired to be a zero and its finally going to happen! Who says dreams can't come true?

ADVICE: Teenagers!!! Have the balls to be different! If you really want to look like EVERYONE else.....JOIN THE MILITARY!