Monday, January 3, 2011

Help ME, HELP others!!!!

My endless quest for altruism has left me beaten and defeated for as long as I COULD REMEMBER. It started when I was a teenager. Upon entering college I decided to put humanity first and my selfish ambition on deck. So, I applied to the Peace Corps. My contribution to the Peace Corps was to dig latrines. Literal "shit holes." To my chagrin, I was rejected from digging these "shsit holes," because it required a college degree. woefully unprepared for a rejection, I sunk into a depression. Could it be that I am inept or did not qualify to dig "shit holes?" Could it be that digging a "shit hole," required a degree in scatology? (the study of "shit.") All I want to do is HELP OTHERS! Who do I have to blow around here to volunteer???

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I'm Addicted to I.D.

Hard to believe that just 15 years ago, forensics was SO behind and unsophisticated that you could literally "get away with murder." Forget about 20, 30 or 40 years ago! Now forensics, to say the least has "stepped up their game" and they are solving cold cases from as far back as 50 years ago. I think that's great, but simultaneously counterproductive. I was watching I.D. the other day and this man that was never caught (dated back in 50's), was a very prolific "lady killer" of his time. Which looks good on paper, but let's face it you wouldn't want to run into this fucker on the street, in a bar or on Anyhoo, turns out 50 years later the FBI caught up with him...which wasn't hard to do because he was on a walker. They found him in a nursing home, wheeled him out on a gurney, (in cuffs of course), and he was thrown in jail to serve out a life sentence, which incidentally, lasted for 3 days before he died of NATURAL CAUSES! Better late than never....i guess.

Kiss a dog and SAVE your $$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's been a DANG long time since i entered a blog! I stumbled upon a remarkable discovery today that i'm compelled to share with all you vanity seekers. I went to my cousin's house to pick up my Aunt Betty (who deserves her own blog), and saw my cousin's dog CoCo. A very pretentious and sickening name indeed! However, this dog is in a word EDIBLE! I saw a pair of antlers my cousin bought her for Christmas and felt the need to fit her into them. CoCo looked annoyed, can you blame the poor bitch!?? She's had ENOUGH! Anyway, I placed them on her little head and she looked so DANG cute I gave her A BIG WET KISS straight on the lips. I left the house and got into my car with Aunt Betty (who is extremely unfamiliar with the word "boundaries.") Anyhoo, I continued to drive and felt this burning sensation on my lips. I looked in my rear view mirror, but couldn't see in the car because it was early evening and the lighting in the car sucks. When I got home I rushed to the mirror and I saw the ever so pleasant lips of Angelina Jolie, courtesy of CoCo. I was thrilled! I was all lipped up and nowhere to go, and this pleasant allergic reaction to CoCo lasted for about 5 HOURS!!!!!! That is an entire night out! so save the $$$ you spend on juvederm and lip plumper. If you're lucky enough to have an allergic reaction to a cat or dog...fuck the frog! Kiss a dog or cat! Angelina's lips are so much better than a prince! i shared my new found elation with my husband, (who also has an allergy to anything on 4 legs, including me.), and he seemed very optimistic about his penis! I just feel bad for CoCo!!!