Thursday, February 25, 2010

Botox: Tears Of A Clown?

When i first saw a wrinkle on my forehead i rushed to a dermatologist/ plastic surgeon and BEGGED for a dermabrasion. He looked at me like i was prehistoric for being so dated and uninformed. As far as i knew dermabrasion was a great way to decrease wrinkles and soften lines, but still he gave me a look that suggested i was looking for a miracle. Immediately the good doctor suffered a schizophrenic episode where both areas of expertise within him became split personalities and seemed to disagree on the proper procedure that should be administered. I could tell that Dr Jekyll (the dermatologist part of him) thought dermabrasion was sensible, affordable and less harmful. However, the ever so persistent Mr Hyde (the plastic surgeon part of him) thought it unwise! A waste of money and time! In fact, he was quite adamant about his refusal to give me a dermabrasion. I knew at that moment the outcome of the two personalities...Dr Jekyll would perish and in full control remained the ever so opinionated and pushy Mr Hyde. He was determined to show Dr Jekyll (the pussy dermatologist) who 'the real' doctor was. And he looked at me sternly and said "BOTOX!" "You want to get rid of those wrinkles?" "BOTOX!"

Immediately i wanted to run out! Instead i just sat there in utter paralysis and mindlessly agreed it was a fine choice! In fact, why stop there? Cut the whole f@#king head off ( a sure way to discard of wrinkles) and give me a boob job to replace my head. Problem solved! And I'll sign the permission slip so we can hurry things along. He proceeded to explain to me that these deep creases and grooves (which i don't have! I don't have f'in grooves)! Were due to years of expression...and can ONLY be eliminated with "BOTOX!" It was just the beginning of the botox craze. So i didn't know much about it except Nicole Kidman was obviously quite fond of it, (seeing how she had frozen her forehead into another lifetime) and Joan Rivers, despite a drooping eyelid mishap...was still a firm believer in botox. I'm a hypochondriac so immediately i started to panic and become clammy! Because I'm an even BIGGER pussy than I am a hypochondriac. So i knew no matter what the ramifications of botox were...i would certainly go through with it! My Dr. looked like he'd been 'juicing' his face for years! He was a junky and a pusher. Always jabbing himself with needles to the face. He even asked me if i thought he could use a little more. I told him he could make a dead guy jealous! He took it as a compliment.....we moved on.

After assuring me that it was safer than vitamin C. He walked out of the office and his nurse came in on cue holding a brochure which she handed to me. I read it thoroughly, giving myself palpitations and panic attacks. Could cause blindness...blah, blah, blah,....possible loss of facial muscles permanently, blah, blah, blah and what the heck! while we're being 'honest,' DEATH!!!! Well color me pink! I'm either really afraid to say 'NO' or I'm the vainest bitch on the planet. And for my sake i really hoped i was the vainest bitch on the planet! Anyhoo, after being literally scared shit less and i do believe i soiled myself just a little that day. I signed the dotted line which pretty much summed up that they were not responsible for any and ALL of the things that could go wrong, BUT the dummy who read this doesn't think we should be either! AND still wants to go through with it. My hands were trembling! I managed to shakily sign my name on the dotted line and prayed that i didn't end up looking like i had a partial stroke for the rest of my life because i couldn't get over an 'expression' wrinkle on my forehead. Part of me was cruel and had no pity for my stupidity and thought i deserved to look like i had Bell's palsy! The nurse then collected my form and numbed my forehead. The doctor walked in and looked like 'pure evil 'to me. But i willingly jutted out my head begging to be jabbed. I'll never forget the first needle...i was thinking, nothing an eye patch can't fix. So long as the other half looks 20!

After he was done he handed me an ice bag and a set of 'rules.' No exercising, no bending over and NO SHOE SHOPPING! I took it to the furthest extreme...NO BREATHING!!! i was not only going to look 'dead' in a week, i had to 'play dead' for the next few hours so i wouldn't end up looking like my face was partially paralyzed. No moving, no eating, no looking both ways when I'm crossing the street... NOTHING! I remember being at the mercy of NYC cab drivers. A very 'unsafe' place to be. I prayed to God that if i didn't look like a monster when all is said and done...i would NEVER get another cosmetic procedure again as long as i shall live! I heard God yawning because he heard this song and dance when i got my lips done and looked like Mick Jagger for a week.

A week later....i looked like i had a face lift! Raised eyebrows and high cheek bones...and not a wrinkle in sight! I looked airbrushed. I could now finally understand why Nicole Kidman couldn't quit even when she was pregnant. Although, her doctor begged her to stop because they still didn't know the effect it could have on her unborn baby. I thought, when it's born, if it looks like a still born but after you slap it you still hear a's fine! Now I'm more or less addicted to my doctor and the procedure. Despite of the novel sized release forms with even more severe possible side effects. I continue to put the gun to my head, spin the barrel and pull the trigger. And EVERY TIME I make an 'empty' promise to God, I'm back 6 months later to visit the 'undertaker' to get 'embalmed.' Now botox has become SO popular they even have commercials for it. And the hook of the commercial is: 'freedom of expression.' More like: 'freedom FROM expression!' I think 'feeling' is overrated. At least now, I look as numb as i feel. I'm not living a lie. And I'm true to myself! THANK YOU MR HYDE!!!

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