Tuesday, March 16, 2010

infomercials are making BILLIONS! Why am I POOR??!!

At first, these intrusive 'short film' commercials were played for the insomniac with an overactive brain which left them wide awake. To my chagrin, I am one of those people. I flip through the channels aimlessly looking for a 'quick fix' or any form of inspiration at 2am. An inkling of 'false hope' that will satisfy me or get me through the night. After the economy took a DIVE, these infomercials bombarded prime time tv. They are on 24/7 selling their inane inventions for $5, $10, $20. Whatever it takes to rack up the numbers in sales! Naturally, I was annoyed at first! These F-in commercials should only be on when I'm drunk. What in Sally's name is going on here? Amazingly enough, the time change had an opposite effect on me. During late night these commercials seemed to inspire me. At prime time they did nothing but enrage me! Who the hell is buying this mass production of SHITE??!!!!

It started with the invention of Snuggies. What f#$king STONER or DRUNKARD came up with that idea? Have you ever stumbled out of a bar and put your coat on backwards? Or someone Else's coat on backwards. I have MANY friends that could be considered 'genius' by the simple act of stupidity, confusion or intoxication. Likewise, ever stumble into your bathroom in the middle of the night slightly disorientated? And realize your robe is on backwards? INSTANT BILLIONAIRE!!! Only difference b/w us and them...COMMITMENT!! Yes, they were committed to their ideas as ridiculous as they are!

Recently, I saw the MOST laughable, ridiculous, F-ed up invention I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! And, my personal favorite. Especially because I am a fitness instructor and personal trainer for the past 15-20 years. The 'Shake Weight!' A weight that you frantically, (pardon my french) 'jerk off' in effort to work out your triceps. I would be VERY disappointed if the 'master mind' behind this invention wasn't a woman! After all, this is what MOST, if not ALL women try to achieve while giving a 'handjob' by killing two birds with one stone. Please their man AND improve their triceps. It's the ONLY thing I can think of when I see a woman with well defined triceps...behind that woman there's a VERY HAPPY MAN!!!! So it is true behind that well adjusted man, there is a STRONG WOMAN!!! Again, only difference b/w us and that 'genius' is commitment at ANY COST!!!!

We have also become inundated with penis enlargements! We are obsessed with intrepid penis's. Really ladies? I have a very small vagina. In fact, I call her 'vaganita.' A very elegant and fragile name. If I see something that can physically rip me in half, at some point that becomes 'purely decorative' (that's exactly why I married an Irish man). I can twist it into animals shapes or place it over the mantel or EVEN throw it on the couch as another 'useless' pillow, BUT I'm not doing Lamaze to get the F'er in OR having a suzerain to get it back out again!!!

The one commercial that is by far played the MOST, is EXTENZ. What malevolent scientist came up with that invention or name for that matter?? We can pretty much guess how the name was conceived. He tried his pill to see if it works and he said: "This EXTENZ my dick!" Vuala! instant billionaire! And the commercials are SO unstoppably GAY!!! (not homosexual gay, HS gay). 'Making love is wonderful again....and the size? Well, that can be fun too!' 'Tearing up a twat...well that can be fun too!' The women on the commercial seem 'stepfordized' to anything going on around them. 'I like riding a horse...and the size? That can be fun too!!!!" I want to invent a rebuttal pill to extenz and I'll call it: "WE'RE ONLY HUMAN DAMMIT!"

So class what have we learned here today? Every 'genius' idea is spawned by drugs!! So, drugs are not bad! Not committing to your ideas while you're on drugs? A CRIME!!!!!!

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