Thursday, March 4, 2010

GREYHOUND: Deliverance on Wheels!

I had the unfortunate experience of traveling on Greyhound from Boston - NYC. I SWORE I would NEVER subject myself to the atrocities of Greyhound traveling EVER AGAIN! Like most promises i make to myself...i broke this one wide open. I get to the bus station and make my way to buy a ticket. I'm the only one in line except for the person in front of me. It seems the guy buying a ticket and the ticket seller ( a very chatty lady..diarrhea of the mouth infact..) have A LOT to talk about! SO much to talk about that i missed the next bus and had to wait for the 11:30am bus which was an hour away. In Boston's South Station that feels more like an eternity. So naturally, now im F'IN pissed! Bitch! And when i get up to the counter and say 'hello' she suddenly has 'lock jaw' and can't speak! Anyway, after purchasing my ticket i walked to my gate. I was in gate 3. The Gate line was already 1/2 full with 'better safe than sorry' ( and i do stress SORRY!) people eagerly 'marking their territory' lest they get stuck with an 'undesirable' seat which in my opinion emcompasses the whole bus. There they were an HOUR before departure as if it were black Friday or they were waiting on line for an American Idol audition! I was just jealous that i wasn't as comitted to the cause of finding an ideal seat! I refused to stand in line for that long, especially because i LOVE to wear 9" heels!

Approxiamately 1/2 an hour prior to departure I made an executive decision to join the 'group' out of fear that i may get stuck near the Greyhound bathroom, (which deserves it's own blog). I walked over to the line now 3/4's full and immediately was annoyed by the 'cheaters' in front who kept leaving their designated spots to go to McDonald or to buy coffee or to go to the bathroom several times...HOLD IT IN like the rest of us!!! The first and second person on line had formed an alliance. They took turns leaving 20 minutes at a time watching each other's stuff. I referred to them as the 'front line mafia.' I was fuming because ANYONE can have f_ _ _ ing someone watching their stuff and go for a massage! The point is you must 'suffer' for the privelege of being at the head of the line! Being first means you get to 'pick' the seat of your choice. And on Greyhound that is a HUGE perk!!! Exhausted already, I was wondering where the 'F-bomb' bus was??!! Finally is saw the abomination rolling into the gate. The bus driver got out of the bus looking exhausted, disheveled and in need of another 'meeting' before he starts hitting the crack pipe on our little road trip. Let's just say i NEVER feel entirley safe!!

I started to observe that the people in line were getting restless and antsy. Not in a 'i can't wait to get on the bus!' way but in an anxious way. As if, they were concerned that some last minute passenger with BIG BRASS one's may dethrone their front line status by cutting in front of the line. Everyone was on the defensive, especially the front-liners who had the most to lose. Well, true to their fear...I noticed an elderly man hobbling over with a cane and a enormous sense of entitlement. He was carrying a shopping bag with an exposed ticket laying on top. He was also talking to himself. He walked directly to the girl who was first on line and nonchalantly asked her to move her bags. He then proceeded to cut in front of her without any protest from her. She seemed caught off guard and didn't know how to react to this mans aggression. The second woman in line became VERY unnerved! She was a Jamaican woman and was NOT HAVING IT!!! She confronted the 'weak link' in front of her. "Why you let him cut in front of you girl?" The girl felt deeply ashamed and looked blankly at the Jamaican woman without a response. A few seconds later she redeemed herself and asked the man if he had a priority boarding pass? He responded 'yes.' Which i knew was a lie, and moments later he was exposed when the bus driver announced priority seating and he didn't budge!! The Jamaican woman glared at him. I tried to calm her down by explaining to her that (at the risk of sound indelicate), the man was NUTS!!!!! She looked at me and informed me that he was on a cell phone and quite sane. I tended to disagree, but who knows?!!

Upon entering the bus he courteously gestured for the girl in front to go first. He then tried to make his way behind her, but the Jamaican woman WASN'T HAVING IT!!!! He managed to squeeze in right after her cutting off a greasy little college student, who probably felt like he fulfilled his humanitarian requirement for the day. By the time I got on the bus I was sure i would be stuck near the 'shit stall.' To my surprise and delight the front seat was unoccupied. I was thrilled!! Because that was my preferential seat!!! I get car sick and am always in danger of vomiting all over the joint. Granted the bus already smelled like vomit mixed in with the faint smell of ass, but i didn't want to add to the stench! I couldn't believe how lucky I was ( born on the 13th..not a lucky number for me. Lucky for Johnny Cash if he says so....) I plopped my bags down to prevent anyone else from sitting next to me. I wanted to be alone! SCREW EVERYONE!!!! Anyway, just as i was about to sit down i noticed a foul odor. I smelled my arm pits to make sure it wasn't me. And it wasn't....i looked back and what did I see? The elderly man NOT on a cell phone BUT talking to himself. I WAS RIGHT!!!! I looked for the Jamaican woman so I could throw it in her face but she was ALL the way in the back sitting right near the 'shit stall' what was she thinking? In front for that? Clearly, she must had a weak bladder!!! Turns out he was schizophrenic and i had to listen to this mad man rave about the government and Barack Obama being the 'real' racist and there's going to be an investigation and something about Dukakis and JUST as I was about to turn around and tell him to SHUT THE "F" UP!!! he said a word 'pythonistic' and then on his own volition, explained it meant 'snake-like.' Like 'a snake in the grass.' I knew pythonistic meant 'snake like,' but i never heard it used before. It may not even be a word, but i could still use it! Anyhoo, long story short...I LIKED IT!!! I bailed on telling him to shut up, because I learned something. The bus driver was NOT HAVING IT!!! He was black and couldn't tolerate his vomit any longer!! Can't say I blamed him!!! HE was not only sick in the mind but had sick opinions! He ignored the bus driver after being told to shut up. It took a skinny white woman who looked like a librarian to shut him up! It reminded me of the scene from "Tommy Boy," when Tommy Boy was on his sail boat fighting with those punks and it took the girl to scare the crap out of them!

After he shut up it was awesome! I started looking around and observed other drivers on the road. I was disgusted to see that 90% of people LOVE to pick their noses while driving!! 85% of these people LOVE or feel compelled to actually eat it!!! Sick world!! My Greyhound excursion finally came to an end 'on time' no less. As soon as i exited the bus I VOWED NEVER TO GO GREYHOUND AGAIN!!! If I MUST take the bus i'm going FUNG WAH! Asians are clean and those buses go 90 miles an hour not to's only $20!!! NUFF SAID!!!

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